


I'll Never Eat Sausage Again!

by Shirazkindofgirl



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Mashed Potato Ficathon, berena - Freeform, potato-faced men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 13:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14545638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirazkindofgirl/pseuds/Shirazkindofgirl
Summary: When a patient is brought up to AAU, Serena is called in to consult on his injuries. Are they plant related, or is it something else?





	I'll Never Eat Sausage Again!

The car slid to a stop. The balding man in the back seat flung the door open, almost falling out of the cab in the process. He stumbled to his feet, shuffled down the steps and along the towpath. The sunset turned the water a warn shade of pink, but the man took no notice, too intent on his task. He looked around, shiftily. Noting that he was alone, he stepped off the path and into the shrubbery. Pushing aside the plant blocking his way, his feet slipped a little on the mud. Reaching for his fly, he unzipped his trousers and let loose a torrent onto the ground at his feet. 

Feeling relieved, he wandered back towards the waiting cab and slammed the door behind him. It was only a few minutes later, as the cab trundled down the streets of Holby, that things took a turn for the worst for the balding man. At first, he felt a slight tingling sensation in his nether regions. What could have been a pleasant feeling akin to arousal, soon became something reminiscent to the memory of his ex-wife pouring a bowl of hot soup into his lap after she found out about his latest affair. It burned. In fact, it burned like the fires of Hell. Clutching at his crotch, he yelped in pain. The cabbie appeared to be engrossed in the news on the radio and hadn’t noticed his passenger’s predicament. 

A sudden throbbing pain through his cock made him shriek and captured the cabbie’s attention. Looking at his passenger through the rear-view mirror, the cabbie asked if he was alright. Unable to answer with anything more than a grunt as he shifted on the back seat, the man squawked again. Reaching for his fly and fumbling himself free of the confines of his clothing, the passenger grasped at his much-abused member. The cabbie’s eyes widened as he noticed what was happening in his back seat. His fellow cabbies would never believe this, but when he told it, he was sure to win this week’s weirdest fare story, thus earning himself a free breakfast. Taking the next right, he decided his passenger needed to seek medical attention, sooner rather than later.

The lights of Holby City Hospital brightened the interior of the cab. Stopping at the entrance of the ED, the cabbie opened the door and hauled his passenger out. He dumped him at the feet of the security guard who took in the sight of the writhing, screaming man in front of him. Noting the state of his flacid genitals, the security guard radioed into the ED asking for assistance.

In AAU, Serena Campbell had just finished changing out of her much-hated scrubs. Bernie was still in theatre, operating on a patient who had been sent up from the ED. A multi-vehicle pile-up and a fight breaking out after the local Holby City FC and Holby Rovers derby had filled the ED to bursting point. Bernie had reassured her wife that she would be out of theatre within the next thirty minutes and their plans to visit the new Thai restaurant for dinner did not need rescheduling, yet again.

Down in the ED, Noel had called for someone to attend to the man currently screaming on his reception floor. Noel had seen many sights in his time working at Holby, but this was something new. Looking on, he was sure he could see blisters forming before his eyes. Wincing slightly, he reached under his desk adjusting himself in sympathy with the man currently being assisted through to receive treatment.

Bernie leant against the doorway to the office she shared with her wife. Serena was typing away on her computer and had yet to notice Bernie’s presence. Bernie loved these moments when she could look upon her wife unhindered. Not for the first time, Bernie wondered how she had been lucky enough to have earned Serena’s love. Her musings were interrupted by Raf appearing at her side. Serena looked up from her computer screen when she heard Raf speak. The smile on her face giving away the fact that she had known all along that Bernie had been watching her.

“A patient has been sent up from the ED. His notes suggest chemical burns of some sort. We’re waiting for a bed in the Burns Unit. I’ve examined him, but it doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before and he keeps mumbling about plants and canals.” Raf looked towards Serena with an innocent look on his face. “As a keen gardener, could you have a look before you leave?” Raf asked.

Glancing at the pictures on the screen of the tablet Raf held, Bernie asked “Are we sure it’s burns and not an STI? I saw enough of those in my former career to last a lifetime.” Bernie grabbed the tablet before either Serena or Raf had a chance to respond and took off towards the bay where their patient could be heard yelping. 

Serena started to follow her wife. Raf held a hand out stopping Serena in her tracks. “There’s something you should know before you go over there …”

Bernie pulled the curtain back, instantly recognising the balding man currently clutching the cold compress against his tormented todger. She examined her patient, trying to ascertain the circumstances of his injury, whilst trying to maintain a stoic disposition. All the while the patient kept mentioning plants near the canal. Turning to see her wife approaching, Bernie fought to hide a smirk. “Oh, here is my Co-Lead, as a keen gardener, if your injuries are plant-related, she’ll know.”

Rounding the bay, Serena raised an eyebrow at her wife and looked upon the patient who was curled on his side. “Well, well, well, what have you been doing to yourself this time?”

The middle-aged man jerked his head around at the sound of Serena’s voice. “Oh, you’re just what I need. Can’t you go away and let her treat me?” He motioned towards Bernie, “I won’t object if Blondie wants to soothe my pain.”

“You might not, but I certainly will. You will treat my Co-Lead with the respect she deserves.” Serena growled, “Now, you are going to tell me how you found yourself in this predicament so that I can treat you and get you off my ward post-haste.”

A battle of wills ensued, and Serena stared her patient down. At last, he relented and mumbled his sorry tale.

“I’m sorry …. You did what?”

With a put-upon sigh, the man repeated himself, “I’d been out drinking.” A quiet snort had both the patient and Serena turning in Bernie’s direction. 

“Sorry, sorry. Please continue.” Bernie said.

“I was in a taxi cab, we were passing the canal and I knew I wouldn’t make it home. I needed to ….” He gestured to his nether regions.

“You were caught short.” Serena interjected, “you never could hold your alcohol.”

“I thought I could take a piss down by the canal. I pushed aside some bushes and stepped behind.” He continued.

“Right, I don’t think we need to hear any more about that. Tell me about the plants?” 

“Small, white flowers. For God sake Serena, can you treat me or not? I’m in agony here.”

“An agony of your own making. However, if you were down by the canal and you touched a bush with small, white flowers … I think I can safely say your injuries are due to giant hogweed. The sap from the plant is toxic, when it makes contact with skin, and in turn the skin comes into contact with UV light, these chemicals lead to a condition called phyto-photodermatitis. You’ll have it on your hands too, although you may not have noticed it yet. The skin on your hands is less sensitive than the skin on your ….” Serena waived her hand in the general direction of Edward’s groin. "The good news is we can treat it. Unfortunately, I do have to tell you the burns can last for several months and can remain sensitive to sunlight for years.”

Serena turned to Raf, “Can you organise an aluminium acetate mixture for the …. effected area, please Raf? Then, we’ll get him up to the burns unit.”

“Best it doesn’t see the light of day for a while, Edward.” Serena said with a grin, “Come along Ms Wolfe, our dinner reservations await.”

Giving Edward a smug smile, Bernie slipped her arm around her wife’s waist and guided her back towards their office. 

Serena leaned in close to Bernie’s ear, “Do you think we can persuade Jason to have something different for dinner tomorrow night? I rather think I’ve gone off Sausage!”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to see the damage Giant Hogweed can do to a person, Google images. I'd suggest you don't do it if you're eating.


End file.
